The Mother's Day "gift" that keeps on giving...

This lovely, heartwarming art project came home from preschool with my son, Aidan, last spring. Some of you have seen this already, but some recent Facebook comments reminded me of this parenting gem. Let's go over his answers, as I would like the chance to defend the shred of dignity I have left (and it is barely a shred, I promise):

1. My mom is 6 years old. True, mentally. I will laugh at LOL dogs (you know: http://dogs.icanhascheezburger.com/) any day of the week, leaving my husband speechless with embarrassment and amazement. False, physically. I pray no 6-year-old has stretch marks like the ones I've got. My bikini days are long over.

2. She likes to cook pizza for me in the kitchen. Apparently the poor kid thinks Pizza Hut is "homemade".

3. My mom is funny when she farts. This is 100% true. Yes, this is a shocking admission. Look, every mother needs to know how to clear her children from the room quickly and efficiently when she's on the phone or just needs a moment of silence. I've found my weapon. Feel free to use this parenting tip for yourself.

4. She is the best at cooking. Note that the class clown ran out of "good" or humiliating things to say about me at this point.

5. My mom looks pretty when she puts on clothes. I think we can all agree to agree that I do, indeed, look best with clothing on. This is a direct result of pregnancy and childbirth and the ensuing chestal chaos of nursing.

Now, let's imagine together how the preschool teachers and assistants laughed about this line-up of heartwarming Mother's Day compliments from my boy. He actually told his teachers about my gas habits. It makes you wonder if your child's teacher has enough dirt to blackmail you (they do - if they wanted). You know this boy is dishing to his teachers, but man, do I ever love him so much: